


Bitter Honey

by thooterizer



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff, Major Character Injury, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24266437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thooterizer/pseuds/thooterizer
Summary: This story takes place during/after Seven's after ending and secret endings one and two. MC tries to get closer to Saeran in order to strengthen her relationship with Seven. But sometimes, even honey can become bitter.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character, 707 | Choi Luciel/Reader, Choi Saeran/Main Character, Choi Saeran/Reader
Comments: 35
Kudos: 124





	1. October Greetings

**Author's Note:**

> I plan to update this weekly or biweekly!! pls leave comments and lmk what you think <3

I laid on a grassy knoll, strands of grass tickling my ears, and Saeyoung’s hand in mine. We stared up at the sunset, pressed close together that crisp October evening. Truly, it was beautiful. Tomorrow seemed to bleed across the sky in the warmest colors as a cold breeze wrapped around my body and across the landscape. I felt truly at peace in that moment, like I could feel every piece of the earth coming together.   
I turned to look at my boyfriend to find his golden eyes already looking to me. Smiling gently, I pressed a kiss to his nose, giggling when he scrunched it slightly. It had taken awhile to accept eachother intimately, but I couldn’t be more happy he opened his heart to me. No matter where, no matter how crisp an October or bitter a winter, he always made me feel warm.   
Finally deciding to depart, we made our way to his house. This was my first time formally meeting his twin brother since he had left the hospital, and I felt both nervous and excited. The moment we stepped through that door, I found those cold, mint eyes boring into mine. But I didn’t feel fear, I didn’t feel nerves, I felt almost as if my soul had left my body, like a snapshot of astral projection. 

“Hello, Saeran…” I said softly, my eyes never leaving his.

“Hi.” He replied, his tone sounding neither cold nor warm, but utterly even. 

Dipping my head awkwardly, I followed Saeyoung into the living room and released a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. Taking a seat next to him on the couch, I looked up to find that Saeran hadn’t once looked away- his eyes still boring into mine, framed like a pastel mountain peak imagined by Van Gogh by his white and pink frosted strands. I gave him another smile before turning to Saeyoung.

“So um, whats the plan?”

He laughed lightly, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me against his chest, lips against my neck.

“I just want to be here with you, my darling” 

He said it so softly I could barely feel his breath on my neck, but it still caused a familiar heat to rise in my cheeks. Laughing lightly, I snuggled back against him and pretended to not notice Saeran still watching us with those cold, judgmental eyes. Eventually, Saeran went to his room and Saeyoung and I went to his. Flopping down on the bed with exhaustion from the recent weeks, I found myself instantly soothed by lying in his arms. His bare chest radiated warmth and made me feel secure, his arms clutching me like I was the last thing he had. Burying my face into his neck, I whispered my love for him again and again, cuddling against him as if I could make my body melt with his. Nuzzling his face into my hair, he reiterated his words of love over and over, until we both fell asleep to the sweetest sound- each other’s voices.

—The Next Day—

When I awoke, Saeyoung was already gone. He had texted me, letting me know he had gone out for work and would be back later.

Me: I’ll see you later! <3

Saeyoung: Hey, can you actually stay at my place until I get home? I don’t want Saeran to be alone yet…

Me: Of course :)

Saeyoung: Thank u!!! I’ll see u laterz ✨✨✨

With a smile I set down my phone, getting dressed and leaving the room. The second I entered the main room, Saeran was there, causing me to jump slightly.

“Oh, Saeran, good morning!” I said brightly, giving a smile to his blank stare. 

He smiled back ever so slightly, a slight pink rushing across his nose and porcelain cheekbones for a split second- almost unnoticeable.

“Good morning…” he replied, eyes darting away from mine “I made breakfast.” he added briskly, gesturing sharply to a beautiful dish of omurice.

“Saeran! This looks amazing! Does Saeyoung like omurice too?”

“I don’t know.” He replied, tone empty as always. “But I hoped you did. I made this for you.”

Grinning, I stabbed my fork into the egg and began to eat, the flavor melting across my tongue. I gave him a smile and a nod to let him know how much I appreciated it, and that it was delicious. After eating, we silently cleaned up together before awkwardly taking seats in the living room. Releasing a breath, I tried to start a conversation.

“So, do you enjoy being with your brother again?”

He looked to me, eyes piercing my soul as if he were giving me an answer in just a look.

“No.” He said coldly, and before I could reply he stood and returned to his bedroom. Dumbfounded, I ran a hand through my hair, thinking of ways to connect with him. He’s my boyfriend’s twin brother, we have to get along! I repeated this in my head when I suddenly remembered Saeyoung telling me about him and Saeran sharing ice cream as children. Skipping to the kitchen, I retrieved a popsicle from the freezer- the classic orange kind with two sticks meant to be split between friends. Popsicle in hand, I tapped on his door. Almost as if he were waiting for me, the door swung open.

“What?” 

“I brought ice cream!” I said with a grin, watching his features slowly curl into a smile. “But we have to share” I added with a giggle, splitting the popsicle in half.

He gratefully took his, momentarily meeting my eyes. For the first time, I saw that those cold, minty eyes could be filled with warmth like a pure, uninterrupted day of sunlight. I hadn’t ever seen him fully smile yet, but when he did, he looked almost elvish, beautiful yet otherworldly. 

“Anyways um, I just wanted to give this to you...I’ll talk to you later!” I said, turning away before his voice stopped me.

“Wait no...um, I want to get to know you” he said shyly, eyes still warm and pure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be making a playlist for the mood of each chapter! Listen while reading if u want ^^
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0NZwDUbGAVokqSKTnX9lSG?si=SH_AT61fQPSDfvPX6TOYVQ

The more we talked, the more Saeran seemed to relax, his eyes softening like melting candy. He wouldn’t share any details about his childhood really, which made sense based on what little I had heard from Saeyoung. We continued sharing popsicles, the hours melting together like the flavored ice on our tongues. Although I still didn’t really know anything about Saeran, I felt like I knew him better.

“Aha, no actually my favorite flower would be-“ 

Saeran stopped mid sentence as Saeyoung abruptly entered, his eyes immediately losing all the warmth they had gained, face turning to stone. He gave me a slight nod then immediately returned to his room, not even making eye contact once with his brother. Saeyoung stepped further in, taking in the popsicle wrappers littered on the coffee table.

“Wow! It looks like you got him to talk!” He said, putting on a large grin, eyes still reflecting the sadness of his brother’s ignorance towards him. 

“Yeah, I brought him ice cream and he actually spent time with me willingly” I replied with a chuckle, standing up to give my boyfriend a hug. 

Things felt oddly tense, but I ignored it by wrapping my arms around Saeyoung, I sighed into his chest, breathing in his familiar scent as his arms wrapped around me. 

“At this rate, you know my brother better than I do…” he murmured against my hair.

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing haha”

“Okay,” I said, breaking the embrace to give him a smile. “How was your day?”

The weird tension had melted away by then and we began talking about Saeyoung’s day. As the evening came to a close, I gathered my things to head back to my apartment- which I was finally comfortable calling mine instead of Rika’s. Once I arrived home, I flopped down in the bed, my head spinning with the days events. I loved how comfortable I felt with Saeran, it was almost like the opposite side of the same coin I felt with Saeyoung. But for some reason, when he came in so abruptly...it felt like we had been caught doing something wrong. I shook the feeling, telling myself it was just the coldness Saeran turned on the second Saeyoung arrived home. Rolling over on my bed, I pulled out my phone.

MC: Hey, you never got to finish telling me what your favorite flower was~

SAERAN: Oh, right. It’s a forget me not ^^ 

MC: They're lovely! I can see why you like them. 

SAERAN: Thank you for asking...no one has ever been interested in what I think.

MC: Of course I’m interested~ you’re Saeyoung’s brother!

[READ: 9:46pm]

The moment I mentioned Saeyoung, Saeran stopped replying. Sighing with frustration, I decided I didn’t want to push it any further. Closing the messenger tab, I called Saeyoung.

“Hehe, miss me already?” 

His scratchy, loving voice greeted me as it always did. I grinned, standing up and pacing around the apartment.

“Always! What are you up to?”

As he gave me an overly detailed description of his dinner of chips and soda, complimented by the clicking of his keyboard in the background, I relaxed more and more. Closing my eyes I could already see his dorky smile, red hair in his eyes, and feel his hands on mine. We conversed back and forth like this for hours until finally I decided to turn in.

“Goodnight, my love” we both said before hanging up at the same time, our little tradition.

—THE NEXT DAY—

I awoke to a text from Saeyoung.

SAEYOUNG: Hey lolololol, can you babysit my brother again?

MC: Haha no problem! I’ll be right over ^^

SAEYOUNG: Thank u >.<

Saeyoung left shortly after I arrived at his place. To my surprise, Saeran left his room practically the second Saeyoung was gone. 

“Ah, you’re here again” he remarked coolly, the warmth I had eased into his voice the day before gone. 

“Yeah!” I replied awkwardly, not sure how to continue the conversation or make Saeran feel as if he wasn’t an adult man being babysat by his brother’s girlfriend.

“Hey, do you wanna go somewhere?” I said, flashing him a grin.

“Sure.” 

He didn’t even bother to ask where we were going, and I instinctively grabbed his hand as we jogged out to my car. This sudden touch caused him to flinch and jerk away, my heart ricocheting with a weird sensation, almost as if I had been electrocuted.

“Ah, sorry...I got excited” I said with a hopeful smile as we got into my car. Saeran did not respond. Silently, we began driving, a destination already clear in my head as we took off into a new world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again pls let me know your thoughts!


	3. Airplanes and Interstates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the theme playlist for this chapter ^^ 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ZTgmcNKgyQcWtxq1DCspw?si=2zGNyaTDRi68nTPGl4VO6A
> 
> [also lmk if you enjoy the playlist idea/want me to continue haha{

Rolling down the windows and cranking up the volume on the stereo, we flew down the nearly empty highway. Signs on the interstate bled together as we continued to drive in silence, dusk falling over the horizon as we sped towards it with equal enthusiasm. Occasionally, I would look over at Saeran- and he always had the same expression on his face. Blank, yet peaceful. For the first time since I’d met him he seemed truly...calm. This brought an odd sensation of comfort to me as we continued to drive wordlessly. Every so often, he’d glance over at me then back to the road, as if he were silently asking where we were going. Truth be told, I didn’t know either- I just wanted to go.  
Hearing a familiar beat begin to flow through the speakers, I stifled a giggle as I turned the volume all the way up- causing Saeran to flinch. 

“Hey,” I said, still stifling a laugh “do you know this song?”

He listened for a moment, fingers rapping to the beat on the dash. 

“Yes, I remember it” he replied coolly.

“Sing it with me”

“What?”

“Sing it with me!” I said, finally releasing my spirt of laughter before chanting out the chorus.

“Cal-i-fornia girls were unforgettable,” I began belting, laughing even harder at Saeran’s confused expression.

“I’m serious! Sing with me!”

He began timidly, but slowly gained confidence and by the end of the song, we both were belting Katy Perry’s classic at the top of our lungs, laughing in between at each other's voice cracks and inability to hit high notes. Out of breath, I took the closest exit off the highway, driving for a moment before pulling into a parking lot on a cliff that overlooked the airport. It was dark by then, and the stars gleamed overhead. Turning off the car I hoped out, urging Saeran to do the same. Silently he followed me, unsure of the plan yet ultimately trusting me to lead him. Flashing him a grin, I climbed onto the hood of my car, lying back against the windshield. Giggling at his surprise, I tapped the spot beside me until he joined. He sat stiff and awkward, unsure of what we were doing here and why. 

“Here, lean back, and look down there” I said softly, gesturing down to the airport below us. “We can see the planes take off perfectly from here”

“Why?” He asked blankly, looking at me with confusion.

Laughing, I replied “I know it seems boring but, beyond how amazing planes are, I like to think about all the people inside….some of these people are going home, some are just arriving home...some are going to work, some are going to see lovers...in that one take off and that one landing there are so many adventures and stories…”

Looking back to Saeran, I coughed awkwardly. “Haha, that’s kind of nerdy I know but, I don’t know I just enjoy watching them” I finished with a grin.

Saeran’s blank expression slowly melted into a smile, and he turned his attention to the plane landing in the distance.

“You know...I really like that.” He said simply, his voice filled with warmth like the stars above. 

Returning to our comfortable silence, we watched planes land and take off, each of us constructing stories of each passenger within our minds. After what felt like forever and no time at all, I finally spoke to him.

“Saeran...how did you….how did you get to this point? In life?” I asked, awkward and unsure how to phrase my question. “If you don’t want to tell me that’s okay...I guess, I’m just curious about you?” 

He turned to me, eyes flickering with a strange combination of pain and warmth. To my surprise, he leaned back, and spilled his heart and his past to me. At multiple times I found myself on the verge of tears, my heart aching imagining him and Saeyoung as boys and experiencing such trauma- and him experiencing such trauma with someone who promised to save him. When he finished, he didn’t even look at me, but continued to focus on the sky. 

“You’re the first person I’ve told everything to.” He ended quietly, speaking more to himself than me.

“Saeran...I don’t know what to say I- I’m just glad you’re safe now and that you’re healing…” I said lightly, my attempted words of comfort cut off by a buzzing noise. 

Pulling out my cell phone, I reflexively sucked in air when I saw 12 missed calls from Saeyoung. Quickly dialing him back, I exhaled a breath when he finally picked up.

“Hey? Where the hell are you guys? I’ve been trying to reach you for an hour do you have any idea how worried I am?”

“Saeyoung, I’m sorry, we went out for a drive and lost track of time I….”

“A drive? Seriously? It’s still too dangerous I don’t understand why you’d do that I just-“

His harsh lecture stopped when he heard me beginning to sniffle over the phone, whispering an apology about how I just wanted to help his brother feel better. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m sorry, just come home okay? I miss you...and I want you to be safe” he said gently, soothing my nerves. Agreeing, I hung up, quickly getting back into the car with Saeran as we silently began driving home- his expression once again as blank as it had been when our trip started. 

I felt weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter!! I promise they’ll get longer from now on


	4. Metallic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the chapter playlist ^^
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7AfMBJBTLWBCYi7Rn8CTVk?si=ikIL8aerTrucs4jRRjOTlg

Saeran and I continued down the dark road in silence, neither of us even daring to look at eachother. We felt once again like we had been caught doing something wrong, and the harshness of Saeyoung’s words still burned in my ears, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. We coasted along the highway, the ocean cliffs sparkling dauntingly to our left. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Saeran lurch towards me, his hands grabbing the steering wheel and jerking towards the cliffs.  
Letting out a scream I tried desperately to rip the car the other direction, the momentum and sudden shock causing me to press on the gas pedal with my entire weight as we struggled, neither of us saying words, but screaming expressing all we needed. Then, in a split second, I heard that noise. The crunching of metal, the shattering of glass, the release of an airbag. The sudden, idyllic experience of a car crash, burned into my head like a photo tucked into my wallet. The tires screeched and a burning stench filled my nose, a familiar smelling hot liquid beginning to drip down my forehead. Before I could look to see if Saeran was okay, everything went black. The sounds, the smells, the camera shutter hellfire gone in a split second.   
Saeyoung arrived at the hospital as soon as he could. Saeran hadn’t suffered more than a fractured rib and a concussion, and was resting quietly. He refused to see his brother. Meanwhile, I lied in the hospital bed- the dizzying beeping of machines keeping me from reality, and what felt like hundreds of tubes connected to my body made me feel straight out of a movie scene. Everything was foggy, and even though I was hyperaware of every single part of my body, every hair, every nerve, every twinge of pain at the slightest movement, I remembered nothing. I didn’t know why I was in a hospital, and I could barely piece together who I was. The door opened, and a red hair man entered the room, drawing me out of my grogginess. I felt...something when I looked at him, but I couldn’t quite remember who he was.

“Thank God you’re alive...I had no idea what to do...I love you so much and I’m just-“ he began, stopping when he saw the blank look in my eyes.

“I-I’m sorry….remind me who you are?” I said, feeling hot tears burn into the corners of my eyes as I watched tears fill his. 

“I’m your boyfriend, Saeyoung…” he said softly, leaning over the bed and grabbing my hand.

This motion, the touch, the warmth from his palm jolted my memory. I knew now that I loved him, I knew I was with him, but I still wasn’t fully sure about anything else.

“Yes...I’m your 606” I said with a light chuckle, causing him to laugh, kissing me gently on the cheek.

“Yes, you are. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re okay” he said.

I smiled, taking comfort in these words until he spoke again.

“And don’t worry, Saeran is okay too, he’s much less injured than you are”

“S-saeran?” I said softly, scanning my brain for who that could possibly be.

“Yes, my brother...he was in the car with you when yoh two crashed” 

Suddenly, like a photo flashback, that moment came back. The crunching of metal, the breaking of glass, the burning stench of rubber and pop of the airbags. I remembered I had taken Saeran, who was apparently my boyfriend’s (which I still felt slightly confused about), brother. The last thing I remembered from that moment was cold, minty eyes piercing into mine, filled with more emotion than I had seen from anyone. 

“Um, can I, can I speak to Saeran?” I asked gently, gazing up at the man I allegedly loved.

“Of course...I’ll get him and leave you guys...I’ll be back soon my love” he said, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead, and I smiled in an automatic response. I think….I really do love him, and I can’t wait until I remember our history. 

————

A soft rap on my door broke me from my thoughts. A young man walked in, the same height and build as Saeyoung, but instead with wispy white hair tinged with rose and mint colored eyes. The mint eyes I had seen before everything went black, those mint eyes that showed me the true depth of human emotion. 

“Saeran..!” I exclaimed softly, remembering who he was almost instantly, much faster than I had remembered his brother.

“I’m so glad you’re okay I’m...im so sorry” he said, voice cracking, eyes filling with tears and that deep, endless emotion once again. His feelings seemed to exist in an entirely different universe than anyone else’s, I had never been able to tell exactly what someone was thinking from just their eyes. 

“It’s- it’s okay….” I coughed, my mind flashing back to our wrestling of the steering wheel. “B-but...why?”

“I don’t know I….I guess I didn’t want the night to end” he said softly, eyes casting downwards, his skin almost as pale as his white hospital gown. 

I moved to reach my hand to his, grimacing in pain at the sudden movement. I didn’t know how to say it, but I wanted him to know that it was okay...and that I had made incredible memories that night too- so good that not even partial amnesia, as the doctors later told me, could erase it. He stared at my hand blankly, entire body stiffening as if he had never been touched before. Slowly, he placed his hand on mine, a rush of warmth running through my body. Instinctively, I wrapped my fingers around his hand, gripping him to show my forgiveness. As I did this, he yanked his hand away, flinching at the sudden show of affection. Head snapping up, he gazed at me. His eyes looked almost like a wild animal, afraid yet curious. He ran his fingers over his hand for a moment before speaking.

“I’m sorry. I’m going to go back to my room” he said curtly.

“Oh- okay...goodbye” I replied, my body still emitting warmth from the touch.

————

As the weeks passed by, Saeyoung visited me every day- telling me stories of our times together until I fully remembered who he was and who we were together. My heart felt full with his love, but for some reason I couldn’t shake the feeling of touching Saeran’s hand. He hadn’t made a move to see or speak to me since then, not even once. Without trying I noticed that when Saeyoung grabbed my hand, when he kissed me, when his eyes gazed into mine...I didn’t get that same warmth. More than anything, it felt comfortable, normal. I told myself I was drugged up that day, and Saeran must have been unusually warm. All I needed was comfort.


	5. Uno Reverse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the chapter playlist~  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KwWMRH1vLGMnfb1toAZS8?si=-IqxirbyTHaK3N9irFoctg

After nearly a month, I was finally discharged from the hospital. Saeran had been discharged two weeks ago, and I still hadn’t seen him since. Because I was still recovering, Saeyoung decided it would be best for me to stay with him. I happily agreed, knowing I would find peace and comfort in his presence. We rode silently the entire way back to his house, staring out the windshield hollowly. When we arrived back at Saeyoung’s, I happily skipped through the door. To my surprise, Saeran was sitting on the couch, his legs curled beneath him like a small child’s, his face buried in a book. At the sound of the opening door, his head snapped up, eyes immediately falling on mine. 

“Saeran!!” I yelled happily, running towards him and stopping just before I would’ve been close enough to throw my arms around him.

“I’m glad you’re back…” he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper “it’s been lonely without you”

“Me too, and I’ll be staying here while I recover so we can cope with that car crash trauma together” I said with a laugh, not even noticing the warmth in my cheeks.

Saeyoung watched us silently, smiling. He had mentioned to me before in the hospital how grateful he was that I had gotten close to his brother, and that they had even begun to speak to each other. I could tell- when Saeyoung entered the room Saeran no longer ran back to his room or adopted that stone cold face- he continued on as normal. The three of us settled onto the couch, me between the two brothers. We sat in silence for a moment, Saeyoung’s hand cradling mine, before he stood abruptly. 

“I’m so sorry… I have some work I need to finish up” he said, kissing my forehead gently and jogging off.

After he left, I turned to Saeran. He was already looking at me, his cool eyes burning with something that felt like yearning.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come visit you in the hospital” he murmured, yet despite his shy tone he was looking me directly in the eye.

“It’s okay! We both went through alot and I get it, seriously don’t feel bad-”

“No, it’s not okay. I should have been there and I swear, I will be from now on” he said, his voice cold and serious.

I nodded. “And I’ll be there for you too”.

Looking to the coffee table, I saw a deck of Uno sitting beneath a pile of empty chip bags. Fishing it out, I waved it in front of Saeran with a grin. 

“Let’s play? Please?” I begged, pouting my lip dramatically to show him how badly I wanted to play the card game.

“What the hell...is Un-no?” he replied, clearly confused.

“Oh my god, you’ve never played Uno? I’ll teach you” I said with a confident laugh, grinning at Saeran’s adorable mispronunciation of the game.

After explaining the rules, we began gameplay. Saeran was stiff at first, but after a couple rounds, he finally got into it. We flipped cards back and forth, excitedly jestering eachother as we struggled to get rid of our cards. I had never seen Saeran smile so openly, and his laughter sounded like the ringing of antique silver bells.

“Oh I swear to GOD” I yelled as he placed a draw four card in front of me. 

“I told you I’d win this time” he replied teasingly, laughing as I grumbled while gathering up the cards. 

“Bitch you THOUGHT” I replied with a laugh, slamming a reverse card down on the table so hard it shook.

“Getting aggressive now are we?” Saeran said with a smirk, leaning forward and whispering in my ear “Your aggression means you’re afraid you’ve already lost”

His words and warm breath sent chills down my spine, but I quickly regained confidence. “It’s a card game...it’s not that deep” I replied, laughing at Saeran’s dramatic eye roll.

We continued to play game after game, our heads bowed together like little kids, laughter filling the room. We sat knees pressed together as we continued to play so intensely that we didn’t even notice Saeyoung enter the room. After one particularly annoying play, Saeran shoved me playfully. Laughing uncontrollably, I shoved him back until we continued pushing eachother like 5 year olds fighting on the playground. After a few minutes of this, Saeyoung interrupted.

“Wow, you’re gonna have this much fun? Without me?” he said, his trademark goofy grin spreading across his face.

“Oh! Are you done with work? I-” I began, hopping up and jogging towards my boyfriend. 

“You were working, so you weren’t invited” Saeran cut me off, looking his brother in the eyes cooly. 

We sat silent for a moment, before Saeran’s face, still flushed from our duel, broke into a smile. “Haha, kidding”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out the chapters are going to be much longer but released more sporadically!


	6. Sea Floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the chapter playlist!  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1DeDMiSnVDTFYyM8iSBmHZ?si=cJtEkLOeRhyXiSVd0Nt6EQ

Weeks passed and our days continued on like this- Saeyoung working while Saeran and I entertained ourselves in various ways around the house. It was December then, and the chilling winds outside only made Saeyoung’s house feel all the warmer. That night, we lay snuggled in bed, Saeyoung gently spooning me, our bodies melded together against the cold. Sighing gently, he nuzzled his face into my neck. Pressing hot, gentle kisses against my neck his hand grazed the hem of my shirt as his slender fingers slid up my body leaving a trail of goosebumps. Turning my body so I was beneath him, he pressed his lips to mine, hands still caressing my bare skin as he edged a knee between my thighs. His hand slid down to the hem of my panties as I moaned softly under his touch, but something felt..weird. The second his fingers began to dip lower I pulled away.

“Saeyoung...stop” I whispered softly, turning my head away so he couldn’t see the shame in my eyes.

“Okay…” he replied softly, voice still husky with arousal.

He didn’t question it, but when he rolled off of me, I knew he felt something was off too. He returned to his relaxed position, cradling me in his arms but not nearly as closely as before. I could tell throughout the night that he wasn’t sleeping either, but neither of us said anything. Soon enough morning came, and Saeyoung immediately went to work. I felt strange, but the second Saeran came out of his room I felt brighter. We sat together on the couch, languidly flipping between channels. It felt peaceful like this, it felt safe. Because I hadn’t slept much the night before, I found myself growing drowsy shortly into the television program we had chosen. My eyelids grew heavy, and I slipped into a slumber, my body feeling warm and supported.  
I felt like I was melting into a sea of the most beautiful colors as I shifted into dreams. Fluttering through my sleepy reality, I saw Saeran. His hair sparkled in the night even more beautifully than the night of our crash, and his eyes looked calmer than a mountain lake during the sunrise. Suddenly, we were on a beach. Our shoulders were pressed together like childhood friends. The sea glittered under the stars and the smell of salt stung my nose. Saeran stood and laced his fingers in mine, wordlessly pulling me toward the ocean. Despite it being December, the sea felt warm as it reached my toes, steadily rising up my body as we went deeper and deeper. Before I knew it, we were underwater- but I was able to breathe. I gripped his hand tighter as we entered a new world of color- surrounded by exotic fish and beautiful sea plants painting a portrait so beautiful I knew then that I was for sure dreaming- nothing on Earth existed this tranquil. We floated to the bottom of the sea, sand tickling our feet. Saeran grabbed my other hand, pressing his forehead to mine as he began gently singing, his voice pure as a child’s yet warm and rich with emotion.  
like the flip of a switch  
my emotions opened when I saw your smile  
crystallizing chemically   
your sunflower eyes   
open mine   
I want to see the world through you   
to see the beauty of nature through a soul so beautiful   
to look at the stars with one who shines   
and whenever I wish you were near   
I look at those stars   
knowing you see the same ones   
one day, I’ll take you to those stars   
to the space station  
there are a million things I could give you  
a million aesthetics to fill and a million kisses to give   
but all I truly want to give to you   
is how I feel  
because I’ve never felt before  
and if I could live in this feeling forever  
I wouldn’t even have to take you to our sea temple   
ma cherie, we’re already there  
His words slid in and out of my ears, his gentle notes caressing my ears and wrapping around my brain. I couldn’t help but smile as we danced across the sea floor, warm water running across our bodies like silk tying us closer together. Gazing up to those mint eyes, I moved my arms to wrap around his neck, fluttering my eyes shut as my lips neared his, so close I could feel his warm breath against my lips....  
My eyes jolted open, and I was back in Saeyoung’s living room. My head was on Saeran’s shoulder, an arm hooked around him, his arm around my waist. At my movement, he looked down, pulling his arms away and letting me sit up.  
“You passed out so fast, I didn’t want to move you” he explained calmly, his flushed cheeks and warm smile making me feel almost as warm as I had been lying against him.

“Thank you” I replied with a laugh, my mind flickering with images of our near kiss- even though it was just a dream.

We wordlessly returned to watching the television- not a hint of awkwardness between us as we laughed and bantered as usual. But something did feel different- I felt closer to Saeran, his presence made me feel like I was at home. I felt different with him than with Saeyoung. When I was with Saeyoung, I felt loved and protected, but it was almost as if he was doing all the protecting and I was merely supporting him. With Saeran it was different, it felt like we protected eachother. It was our goal to keep the other equally safe, and it felt, simply put, reliable. Is this how it feels to have a real friend? A best friend? But then again, do best friends dream about kissing eachother?

\-------  
When Saeyoung finished work that evening, we sat down together for dinner. Our conversation was smooth as usual, but it felt as though it was lacking the usual emotion. It felt like a conversation with a coworker or a roommate, not a lover. Shortly, Saeran joined us, and the conversation instantly lightened. Everytime Saeran cracked a joke or I would mention something only the two of us understood, I could feel Saeyoung tensing up ever so slightly, almost as if he was upset he didn’t understand our jokes. That night, Saeyoung turned to me.  
“You and Saeran are really close now, yeah?

“I’d like to think so! I’ve never had a friend like him” I replied with a laugh.

“I’m glad… the two of you can be together and you aren’t lonely while I’m working”.

“Me too, I’m happy to live with you guys!” 

“Yes…hey, do you ever think that maybe Saeran sees you as more than a friend? I mean he’s never had friends per se, and he doesn’t know how to sort out emotions towards others, but I mean sometimes the way he looks at you when you guys joke…”

“Saeyoung,” I interjected “he doesn’t. We get along well, but we’re friends, that it...I would know if he felt differently”.

“Yes...you’re right. I love you” he said gently, kissing my forehead and pulling me close.

“I love you too”.

I snuggled against him, feeling his heartbeat against mine and his warmth wrap around my body. It didn’t feel...loving though. It felt like I was being held of course, but the love and sensation of excitement wasn’t there anymore. Maybe it’s just because we’re comfortable with eachother?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking awhile to update! Next week I will be competing in nationals for debate so there may be a delay in updating.


	7. <NOT a chapter- Note from Author>

Hey gang I’m sorry for not updating this week! I’ve had rlly bad writers block and my grandma died lmao, um chill anyways I’ll be sure to update within the next few days and it’ll be a long n spicy chapter


	8. Pancakes and Sugar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!! Here’s the playlist <3  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/30A5cEYXwiJmxJTapBJgHF?si=DDnSoiIZS1C87BG_OJ4ddg

A calm Sunday morning. Light filtered in lazily through the partially opened curtains, and I opted to stay in bed, snuggled beneath the duvet. As my eyelids began to grow heavy once again, the door opened. 

“I have to go somewhere, with Vanderwood” Saeyoung said, giving me a smile.

“Ooookay” I reply with a lazy drawl, turning over in bed and pulling the covers over my eyes.

With that, the door creaked shut and I heard him leave the house. I was finally about to drift back asleep when I heard a timid tapping on my door. 

“Yes?”

Saeran cracked the door open, peeking in like a child about to tell his parents that he threw up at 3am on a school night. I rolled onto my side to look at him, rubbing my eyes dramatically to make a show of how tired I was.

“Umm…” he began shyly, pushing the door open wider. 

I sat up, resolving that I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep at this point.

“Yes?” I promoted once again, staring Saeran down through the cracked bedroom door. 

“Um, so I made pancakes…” he said gently, face flushing.

I smiled broadly, hopping out of bed quickly and jogging to the kitchen with excitement. But as soon as I entered the kitchen, a sharp, bitter smell struck my nostrils. Looking for the source, I immediately found a griddle covered in charred pancakes. 

“OH SHIT” Saeran screamed frantically, running behind me and unplugging the griddle, scraping the hockey puck cakes off the surface.

“They were perfectly cooked I swear! I only left for 10 minutes…”

“Saeran...did you leave the griddle on? With the pancakes on them?”

“Yeah…..” he began sheepishly “I wanted to keep them warm...I didn’t think they’d keep cooking”.

“I- what the fuck….” I began, bursting into a fit of laughter. “You thought they’d just...stop cooking on their own?”

“I...well um, yes?” he replies shyly, face burning red.

“Well, I guess we’re going to have to make them together!” I replied, watching Saeran’s blush of embarrassment turning into a warm glow of happiness. 

I began to gather up the ingredients once again, still trying to hold in laughter from the brunt pancakes. For a man who was so brilliant, he really could be so dumb sometimes! But, I thought to myself, it only added to his charm. Pulling out a bag of sugar and carefully measuring it in to the mixing bowl, I caught Saeran giving me an odd look.

“What is it?” I said with a laugh 

“Um...you’re putting sugar in? Don’t you put sweet stuff on after?”

Once again I had to force myself to not burst into laughter.  
“Did you….not put sugar in when you first made them?”

“No?”

“Well, then I guess it’s good we had to remake them anyways huh sugar boy?” 

His face turned bright pink, and he began laughing along with me. Gently pulling the measuring cup from my hand, he began adding the rest of the ingredients (under my careful supervision of course- he has proven twice now that he definitely did NOT know how to make pancakes). As we finished the batter and began cooking the pancakes, I realized that I didn’t want this morning to end...I was truly having fun. When the last pancake was finished, I loaded them onto a plate and set the between us with butter and maple syrup. Saeran took the first bite, his face breaking instantly into a grin.

“What do you think sugar boy?” 

“They’re so good!!” He replied enthusiastically.

“Good! Maybe you can do it yourself next time” I replied with a wink, poking him playfully on the shoulder.

“No, I think they’re good because we made them together!” He replied brightly.

I froze for a moment, I hadn’t expected him to be so straightforward. Although admittedly, I felt the same way. I had made pancakes a thousand times before, but these ones felt and tasted fundamentally special. I have him a nod of agreement, focusing back on the plate of pancakes. We continued to eat and joke until we finished the entire stack. I looked over to Saeran, his face still holding a serene smile. A smudge of maple syrup stuck on the corner of his lips, and without thinking, I gently swiped it away with my finger. 

“I’ll take care of that for you sugar boy” I said with a laugh, licking the sweet syrup off the tip of my finger.

Saeran tensed up for a moment- then relaxed again, his face breaking into a wide smile.   
“Hmm...well, thank you pancake” he replied teasingly.

Before I could tell what he was doing, the bottle of syrup was already in his hands- and he deftly deposited a drop on the tip of my nose. 

“Hey!” I began, reaching my hand up to clean it off, shoulders quaking with laughter. 

To my surprise, he grabbed my wrist- stopping me mid motion. Using his own finger he removed the syrup just as I had done for him, quickly licking it off of his finger and giving me a look as if to say “gotcha”. His eyes burned into mine and I felt a blush creeping into my own face. As I was about to open my mouth to say something, I found my lips suddenly muffled. Saeran’s lips were on mine- warm, smooth, and tasting of maple syrup. He kissed me so gently, yet it felt like currents of electricity were running through my body. Instinctively, I began to reach a hand up, curling it into his hair. Suddenly, I stopped and pulled away.

“Saeran I-....I can’t….” I said, refusing to look him in the eye.

“But you….you smile more with me than you do my brother….” he replied softly. “Do you love him, even?”

Shutting my eyes so he couldn’t see the tears welling up, I replied “I don’t know. But I can’t do this.”

When I finally looked up again, Saeran’s eyes were as cold as the day we met- utterly emotionless, and empty.

“Okay.”


	9. Fire and Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the playlistttt  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5QDf1ElME16TsJNdx46YxR?si=Hbc4fcW8T7K882WuouNX3g

Days passed, and Saeran continued to ignore me. His eyes always had that blank stare in them, almost as if he wasn’t even there. Saeyoung hadn’t seemed to notice- probably because he was busy- but maybe he just didn’t want to say anything. Fed up with the uncomfortable silence, I waited until Saeyoung was out and I finally confronted Saeran. 

“Hey, why- why are you ignoring me? If it’s about the kiss I…..I’m sorry but I’m dating your brother and…”

He cut me off, eyes blazing with anger.   
“Stop. Listen to me. I don’t know why I did that. I don’t like you, romantically or as a friend. I never have. I don’t even think you’re fucking attractive. I only spent time with you because it’s fucking annoying to see your ugly face look even uglier when you’re sad. You’re so fucking annoying that I spent time wirh you and acted like I was having fun so you wouldn’t be so goddamn pushy about my emotions. I don’t know what my brother sees in you. And I’m fucking glad you evaded my question about loving him- not because he doesn’t deserve love, but because you don’t. I never liked you. I hate you. Now leave me the fuck alone.”

With that, he slammed his door shut, placing a wall between us. I felt as if I had been stabbed, my entire body was numb yet I could feel every single particle at once. My muscles were weak and my limbs heavy. I felt tears stinging the corner of my eyes and my face grow hot. I had never felt like this before. I was so angry and so devastated, so many thoughts flooded my mind that I couldn’t even feel my fingernails digging into my skin, leaving bloody half moon crescents in my palms. I didn’t even hear the door opening- or Saeyoung calling my name to signal he was home.

“Hey- hey! What’s wrong?” He cried out, immediately wrapping his arms around me and burying my head on his shoulder.

“Nothing. Um, I think, I think I’m going to go back to the apartment...for a bit”

“What? Why? Why so suddenly? Is everything okay? Did something happen?”

“No I…..I just….um, had something happen with ah, a childhood friend and I want some alone time”

I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew I was lying, but he didn’t push it any further. He gave me a nod and a kiss on the forehead, and helped me gather my things. We drove to the apartment in silence. When we arrived, I couldn’t even muster a smile at him before I rushed out of his car and into the apartment. Flopping onto the bed, I finally let myself really, REALLY cry. How the hell could he do this? It made no sense. I didn’t understand why he would say those things, I knew they weren’t true. And, if they were….I don’t even know what I’d do. His words and his rejection were burned into my mind like a scarlet letter, bringing me pain every time I closed my eyes. Nothing Saeyoung did or said brought me any comfort, in fact, it just made it worse, knowing that Saeran wouldn’t do the same. Rolling over, I aggressively grabbed my phone, immediately clicking to Saeran’s contact.

ME: Saeran….I really want to talk about what happened. I don’t know if you meant what you said, or if it was emotions, but regardless of what it was….it really, really hurt. I care about you a lot- a lot more than I should. I would truly do anything to protect you and if I did something to hurt you PLEASE let me know. I feel like sometimes, you’re all I have. Saeyoung is so busy that my time with you is more frequent. Look, I refuse to believe that you hate me because….I KNOW we were friends. You told me things about you I never knew and….with you I smiled and laughed more than I have with anyone else. Please, just talk to me...I don’t need you to do anything really, I just want you to talk to me about what’s going on…

ME: Saeran...please 

I let out a shaky exhale, chucking my phone at the wall with anger. He blocked me? I really...I didn’t understand what I did, or why he was upset at me. Digging my hands into my hair I pulled it, letting tears and pain contort my features. I had been blocked by people before, gotten into numerous fights, and been cut off my friends- but nothing hurt this badly. I had no idea what to do and my heart raced as fast as my mind as I tried to think of a solution. I realized that the only way to possibly get Saeran to talk to me again...was to be honest, with him and Saeyoung. Opening my email, I quickly typed in Saeran’s address. I felt kind of creepy doing this, since he had blocked me, but my emotions were in control, and I didn’t care. Words flew out onto the screen as I typed, every nerve of feeling I had with Saeran bleeding into my words. Without a second to read it back, I hit send. Curling back onto my bed, I spent a sleepless, tear filled night- too terrified to bother checking my notifications. 

The next morning, I steeled myself and headed to Saeyoung’s place. After shakily knocking the door, I got no answer. Knocking it again, it opened. To my surprise, it was Saeran who answered the door. 

“Oh- um….good...morning” I said choppily, not remembering what I had written the night before but too afraid to ask if he’d read it. “Um….is Saeyoung….working?”

“No. Last night, he got an email that was supposed to be for me. He threw a fit and ended up wandering out into the dark. He got hit by a car.” 

Saeran’s words were halting, and they hit me like a ton of bricks. I had….accidentally sent that email to Saeyoung….he probably thought I was cheating on him with his own brother. Tears filled my eyes again and I turned to Saeran.

“is he- is he okay??”

“He’s in critical condition right now. It’s too early to tell the outcome, according to the doctors.”

I nodded, taking a shaky breath.   
“Um, can I come in and wait with you?”

He nodded silently, pushing the door open a few more inches to let me in. I wearily flopped onto the couch, feeling numb from my head to my toes. If what I felt last night was fire, this was ice- total, empty, cold. Saeran sat on the other side of the couch, occasionally looking over at me. He said nothing and his body was stiff, but his eyes didn’t hold that look of hatred anymore, he just looked...sad. Turning away from him and bringing my knees to my chest, I pulled out my phone- finally deciding to read whatever I had written that made Saeyoung, the man I think I love, so upset.

Saeran,  
I don’t know why I’m doing this, maybe you really do hate me. I don’t know. But I need you to know, that I am always thinking about you. Whenever I’m doing something I’m thinking about doing it with you, whenever I’m doing something with you I’m thinking about ways to make you laugh or smile. You truly have an amazing smile- just thinking about it makes me feel warm inside. I could go on and on about the things I like about you and how I think, but the more I think the more I realize that I want to know how you think. I want to know the minuscule, random, second by second thoughts in your head. I want to know what makes you smile out of nowhere. I want to know what thoughts make you sad, what thoughts bring back bad memories. Every fiber of your words from today feels engrained into my soul, and never in a million years would I expect those words to hurt so much. But really, they weren’t words, they were some part of your thoughts, that mind I want to know so badly. My only hope is that you didn’t mean it. I find that hope in remembering the warmth of my head against your shoulder that one time we fell asleep, the sound of our laughter mingling together. Even...that kiss. It felt truly...electric. I have never felt that with anyone before and I don’t know what it means. I don’t see you as a friend, but I don’t know if I love you either. My feelings for you are on some entirely different plane of existence- they can’t be described by words. Maybe one day I’ll know myself well enough to know how I see you. But my only hope is, you’ll see me the same or if not...you’ll at least see me as someone you can smile with. Just knowing you’re happy, even if that’s without me, is enough. 

I exhaled shakily, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. Just imagining Saeyoung’s reaction to opening that was a pain ten times worse than what I felt last night. Yet as I read over those words, I realized that I hadn’t lied...at all. With Saeyoung I had felt warm and safe, but with Saeran it was entirely different, just as I had said it couldn’t be described with words. I had absolutely no idea what to do, and there was no way I could ask Saeran if he had seen what I’d written. As if he read my mind, Saeran moved closer to me on the couch, looking at me gently.

“So, I did read what you wrote…”

“And?”

Just as he was about to speak, the phone rang. I instantly recognized the number on the screen, and when Saeran answered, I knew it was the hospital- updating us on Saeyoung’s condition. Saeran’s eyes looked tearful and his face paler than ever as he shakily replied to the words I could not hear  
“Okay...I’ll give you my decision by the end of the day.”

He hung up the phone, and glanced over at me.  
“I feel the same about what you said. But...I need time”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning from here and past ummm the next few chapters are going to be really sad and I am sorry 🥺


	10. January and Chemicals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter and long update time Um my dog died so I’ve been sleeping anyways here’s the playlist UwU   
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7rTlSA8abrfZwvIFJ5gr8k?si=ulH_XLTmS8KvqS_XoYFmzg

Everything felt as if it had been flipped the other way. Saeyoung was in a coma, and although Saeran and I had told eachother how we felt, neither of us lent support to the other. It was days on end of awkward silence, both of us too afraid to visit Saeyoung, too afraid to speak to eachother. After a few days I finally decided to go visit Saeyoung- I thought that maybe, just like in the movies, he would miraculously wake up.

I stood outside the hospital doors, eyeing my own reflection in the cold glass warily. My legs felt heavy and my heart was riddled with a strange pain. When I brought myself to enter the hospital, my nose burned with the stench of 409 and ammonia. Everything was perfectly sterile- even the chatter of the people sitting in the waiting room. I felt lost, unsure of where to go even though I had just been in this building weeks ago myself. Shakily, I walked up to the reception desk- asking to visit Saeyoung. The nurse looked up his room, and gave me a remorseful smile before bringing me to his room.

The image before my eyes felt like something out of a tragedy. A long tube trailed out of Saeyoung’s mouth and to a machine, accompanied by tubes trailing from his nostrils and various IVs and monitors on all parts of his body. He was pale, paler than I’d ever seen. So much so that he almost looked translucent, if I were to reach out I could trace his veins like roads on a map. It felt wrong to sit down, to invade this space, but slowly I crouched by his side. He made no indication that he sensed my presence. Slowly, I slipped my hand around his, gripping it tightly. I was amazed at how cold his hand felt- almost like he was already dead. I expected, somehow, for him to grip my hand back, some indication that he knew I was there or at least someone was. I had seen it in books and movies many times. But in my case, it turns out that’s only the stuff of fiction. His hand remained limp and cold, his heart race sluggish. 

I wanted to speak to him, but I couldn’t. No matter how many times I opened my mouth or how many words flowed through my head, nothing came out. All I could hope was that somehow, some way, he heard my thoughts. Suddenly a deep discomfort ran through my body. Standing quickly, I backed out the door and ran from the hospital. I breathed only through my mouth so the stench of the hospital wouldn’t burn my nose. The moment I exited, I collapsed onto the ground. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t do anything. I was so worthless that I couldn’t even apologize to Saeyoung, when he needed it most. I knew I should go back and say something- but I couldn’t, I didn’t.

Silently, I returned home. I don’t even know if I can call it home anymore- I had moved in sure, but it was always Saeyoung’s house. Without him it felt strange, like a building with no ceiling. I had no idea how to go on from here, no idea of what to do. I silently entered, and sat on the couch. When I say memories not of Saeyoung filled my head- but of moments with Saeran. I wanted to reach out to him, ask if he was okay, but I knew that this was all my fault. I had nothing I could offer him, I had no way to comfort him. I stayed on the couch, Saeran stayed in his room. Nothing felt real. 

From the other room, I heard Saeran’s voice. It was shaky, weaker than normal.

“Okay. Thank you for letting me know” 

Minutes passed and Saeran hadn’t said anything else, nor had he left his room. As if he heard my thoughts, the door popped open. His eyes were cold- colder and more empty than I’d ever seen them before. The deepest sorrow is when there’s nothing there at all it seemed. Avoiding my eyes and staying a few feet away from me, he finally spoke.

“Let’s go.”

“Hmm? Where?”

“The hospital. They called about Saeyoung. Let’s go.”

Unable to muster a response, I silently nodded, following Saeran out the door. The car ride was suffocatingly silent. I couldn’t find a way to speak to him. Every time I looked at him he was the same, expressionless. It was as if everything we had built over the past few months had never happened, brushed away by the cold January wind. We arrived at the hospital, entering silently and solemnly.

The news. It made my ears ring, like I was sent into a full shock. It felt like I had been paralyzed yet at the same time every nerve ending was feeling the sensation and weight of the air. Every molecule and sound from the doctor’s words hit me like hail. Saeran was calm, he did all the talking. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, there was absolutely nothing I could do. I ran outside into the January wind- gulping in the harsh, dry air and letting it chill my lungs. My breath trailed like smoke into the air. The whole world was monochrome. 

The ride home was once again silent, but the moment we entered the home I threw my arms around Saeran, burying my face into his chest. He stood still, calm, before finally returning the embrace. In contrast to his calm exterior his heartbeat was racing harder than mine, it felt like he was about to burst. Hugging him tighter I curled my fingers into the fabric of his shirt, trying to remember how the outline of his body felt against mine and trying to not allow myself to compare it to Saeyoung. Nothing was real. Pulling away, I looked Saeran in his eyes- met with the true weight of his emotion for the first time. His eyes burned with a mixture of pain and fear, like those of a feral animal trapped by a hunter.

“Saeran...is it….is it my fault?”

“Maybe”.


End file.
